A closet domestic goddess

A closet domestic goddess? Isn't that a desirable attribute? It is. This is a post about how, along the way of defining roles for women, a career oriented professional and a domestic goddess became mutually exclusive. Or maybe, this is a result of my warped thinking and analysis. I grew up in a home where my mother was superhuman, no she didn't breathe fire, OK maybe some days she did, she was the best at everything she put her mind to. She was among the fastest growing employees of a very bureaucratic organization AND she was a great home maker. Not only did she cook, clean and take care of both my dad and me, she cooked meals that were the talk of town, she always looked immaculate and she found time to embroider on the pillow cases. Having grown up in that environment, you'd imagine I would want to be exactly like her. You're wrong, somewhere along the way, my generation started categorizing women into two groups, the ones that wear business suits and the others that bake excellent cheese cakes. I wanted the deal with the business suits and decided that I don't need to pay any heed to domestic chores. I grew up refusing to learn how to boil an egg and used this as an excuse to my laziness, it became habitual to say, "Oh well, I am not going to be a house wife so I don't need to know how many measure of flour to add to that thing".

All this was true in my head until recently. I was facetiming (I don't know if that's a word but it should be!) a friend who saw my bed with its 6 pillows, a three set cover and a duvet tucked in at right angles on it, thought I was at a hotel.When I told him that was how I made the bed everyday, he laughed his ass off and said "Whom are you trying to impress?". I brushed it off and continued to talk about the fantastic reunion we should be having and how our dad's should have invested in private jets instead of our educations. After the hour long conversation, I jumped into scrubbing the kitchen while looking up a recipe for lamb chops on my phone. The boy, diverting his attention from the PS3 for a precious little second, said " Actually, whom are you trying to impress? So what, if the splash back has a few specks of curry on it? Let it be and come relax with me" (his idea of me relaxing being watching him splatter brains in the game!) And it dawned on me, I am a closet domestic goddess. I have made myself believe that my professional goals will veto my inherent desire to decorate the house. How untrue! I am now stuck with the desire to wear the business suit and know how to iron it perfectly too. No, ironing is probably taking it too far, I couldn't iron if my life depended on it but I want to do everything else that has traditionally been seen as an attribute of a domestic goddess, whose worth is measured in her cooking skills and how beautiful the monogrammed covers look in the guest bedroom.

 Besides the need to post self depreciating anecdotes, I wanted to write about how twisted the ideas of self worth are for women in today's world. I believe that because of some lopsided circuitry in a woman's mind, she tends to measure her worth in the things she's good at. This may not be gender dependent at all but in my experience, women have this bias more than men. The performance measurement systems they have can put any balance scorecard to shame. My disposition of being an educated woman from a highly patriarchal society puts me in a tight corner. Traditionally women from my society never had to work outside their homes. Then came the generation that educated its women but only so they could tutor their kids better at home. My generation of women are highly encouraged to pursue academic excellence and to pursue their dreams, as long as, they comply by the standards that the family has decided is acceptable. In lieu of this, you'd expect that families would bring up their kids with no gender bias, now that women are being encouraged to have careers. No, that doesn't happen. The patriarchal heads of families and some mothers too, encourage their girl child to study and have a career but never do they try to train the boys in the house to learn how to cook or clean. Isn't it only logical that the role reversal was uniform? If one has decided to encourage the traditional home maker to become a bread winner, shouldn't the traditional bread winner learn how to toast it too?

Yes, I am cringing about how unfair this is but also, I want to point out how this effects the guys in their lives. They are not facilitated with any means to learn how to live independently, to learn how to cook for themselves or a sick friend or partner, to learn how to clean the house before an inspection so they don't have to pay for professional cleaners. Every person must be given the basic know how of how to lead life without having to order out for food everyday and without having to wait for mom to visit to realize the carpet's actually beige, not a muddy brown. If writing this has to serve a purpose besides letting me vent, I want it to be a reminder to all grown ups of how different their lives are in comparison to their parents' and to all new parents out there, start inculcating this knowledge in the young ones now so they can learn to fend for themselves and offer a helping hand when they see an overworked care taker, mom or dad.