This post is a result of my inexplicable desire to analyse all my behavioral patterns and find what started them in the first place. I haven't really found a scientific methodology to this madness but I persist!
It was during the summer holidays while I was at school, that I remember this incident from. We had cousins visiting and in the late afternoon, mom had cut up mangoes for us to feast on. I was an only child then, (my brother is 10 years younger than I am), was majorly pampered and got the best of everything at home, yes, I'm captain obvious!!! This incident, however, changed my views on what was to become a life long habit. When offered the plate of cut mangoes, I naturally leaned in for the sweetest pieces, I was used to this. My mom chastised me about being impolite, and said I should let the other kids have the best pieces, and I ended up picking the sour piece of mango. This became a life long habit and excuse my cheesy analogy, but this has somehow changed how I deal with life and its curve balls.
I am pretty sure my mother was only trying to teach me to be hospitable but invariably this made me believe that reaching out to the second best was a good thing, if the people you loved, got the best instead of you.
Does that make me an angelic, unselfish, modern day saint? No, here's the glitch, I EXPECT appreciation every time I give up the sweeter pieces of mango! Yes, my mother gave me a hug and a whole mango to myself the next day as a reward but she was my MOTHER. What my brain, with its tunnel vision, registered from that incident was, one must give away the best bit to one's loved ones and they will reward you for it. Well, what a big fat lie that is!!!
Therefore, hence proved, I have grown up to be the girl who offers the better dress to her friends, offers to do their makeup before putting on her own face, offers to let the boy buy a remote controlled helicopter instead of buying herself a new pair of boots, takes the blame for the dirty kitchen when her brother had friends over for a party in the parents' absence, lets her colleague take sole credit for what she helped him do since he's a nice guy, lets the ever persistent bitch go around foul mouthing her, believing in karma, cooks the extra tedious meal that the boy mentioned he likes after a long day at work, and the list goes on. Do I do all this because of my inherent saintliness? No, I do all this expecting to be hailed as the best friend, sister, girlfriend and colleague of all times! Do I get what I expect, no, because human beings weren't built for efficiency or politeness, they were built for survival. So every time I do the stuff that I do, the opposite person either believes they received what they did because they deserve it, or because they are better than I am.
This is a vicious cycle where, every so often, I berate myself for going out of my way to help someone only to receive nothing in return, don't do anything nice for anybody, feel like shit, and invariably go back to my old ways. I tell myself that I must be my highest priority and that I deserve to sink my teeth into the sweetest piece of mango on the plate. Talking to myself about it or blogging, even, is the easy part. Implementing it is near impossible given my inherent people pleasing. I am at war with myself half the time, I can't help give in to my need to please people while I strongly believe that they should pay me back in endearments. Its not always the mushy stuff that I want in return, getting decked up for a night out, I want a friend to offer me the straightener first, I want the boy to buy me a surprise gift for the anniversary, I want my brother to offer to cover for me on a late night out, I want the colleague to acknowledge how my absence would have stinted the whole project, I want the bitch to simply shut up and let me be and I want the boy to hail me as the planet's best cook besides his mother. I want all these things but I never ask for any of them because my mom had given me the hug and the treat of a mango without me having to ask for it. I do realize that nobody else in my life is my mother but figuring out how to ask for these things in return is a puzzle I will never solve. I just want people to read my mind, figure out what I want and give it to me.
How do I justify such a silly sentiment? Here's how, "Don't I do it all the time?", "Don't I give all these things to all my loved ones without them asking for it?", "Why cant they offer to do these things for me?". So, in addition to working myself into a coil about how all these people aren't giving to me what I gave them, when some one does come along and offer me what they truly believe I deserve, I start questioning their motives and lead myself to believe that I don't deserve all that love and attention. Do you see how stupid I can be? Or maybe, I am not unusual, maybe there are a lot of others out there who do the same thing with their lives, chasing the unappreciative ones and ignoring those who want to cook you a lopsided dinner because you're tired, who want to give you your due credit for the work you've put in, who believe you deserve to be appreciated and treasured instead of being taken for granted.
I know its wrong to put all human relations into one basket and make a sweeping statement about them but I have come to notice a pattern in every relationship. One takes the sour pieces of mango, one lets the other take the sour pieces of mango. Yes, yes, this isn't an eye opening discovery, millions of people have said the same thing in a million different ways but I needed to say it too. Maybe just so I could acknowledge it, accept it and hopefully, try to stop fighting it. Maybe, I can grow up to learn to take the sweeter pieces or just be content with taking the sour pieces and not expecting anything in return. Here's to hope....
It was during the summer holidays while I was at school, that I remember this incident from. We had cousins visiting and in the late afternoon, mom had cut up mangoes for us to feast on. I was an only child then, (my brother is 10 years younger than I am), was majorly pampered and got the best of everything at home, yes, I'm captain obvious!!! This incident, however, changed my views on what was to become a life long habit. When offered the plate of cut mangoes, I naturally leaned in for the sweetest pieces, I was used to this. My mom chastised me about being impolite, and said I should let the other kids have the best pieces, and I ended up picking the sour piece of mango. This became a life long habit and excuse my cheesy analogy, but this has somehow changed how I deal with life and its curve balls.
I am pretty sure my mother was only trying to teach me to be hospitable but invariably this made me believe that reaching out to the second best was a good thing, if the people you loved, got the best instead of you.
Does that make me an angelic, unselfish, modern day saint? No, here's the glitch, I EXPECT appreciation every time I give up the sweeter pieces of mango! Yes, my mother gave me a hug and a whole mango to myself the next day as a reward but she was my MOTHER. What my brain, with its tunnel vision, registered from that incident was, one must give away the best bit to one's loved ones and they will reward you for it. Well, what a big fat lie that is!!!
Therefore, hence proved, I have grown up to be the girl who offers the better dress to her friends, offers to do their makeup before putting on her own face, offers to let the boy buy a remote controlled helicopter instead of buying herself a new pair of boots, takes the blame for the dirty kitchen when her brother had friends over for a party in the parents' absence, lets her colleague take sole credit for what she helped him do since he's a nice guy, lets the ever persistent bitch go around foul mouthing her, believing in karma, cooks the extra tedious meal that the boy mentioned he likes after a long day at work, and the list goes on. Do I do all this because of my inherent saintliness? No, I do all this expecting to be hailed as the best friend, sister, girlfriend and colleague of all times! Do I get what I expect, no, because human beings weren't built for efficiency or politeness, they were built for survival. So every time I do the stuff that I do, the opposite person either believes they received what they did because they deserve it, or because they are better than I am.
This is a vicious cycle where, every so often, I berate myself for going out of my way to help someone only to receive nothing in return, don't do anything nice for anybody, feel like shit, and invariably go back to my old ways. I tell myself that I must be my highest priority and that I deserve to sink my teeth into the sweetest piece of mango on the plate. Talking to myself about it or blogging, even, is the easy part. Implementing it is near impossible given my inherent people pleasing. I am at war with myself half the time, I can't help give in to my need to please people while I strongly believe that they should pay me back in endearments. Its not always the mushy stuff that I want in return, getting decked up for a night out, I want a friend to offer me the straightener first, I want the boy to buy me a surprise gift for the anniversary, I want my brother to offer to cover for me on a late night out, I want the colleague to acknowledge how my absence would have stinted the whole project, I want the bitch to simply shut up and let me be and I want the boy to hail me as the planet's best cook besides his mother. I want all these things but I never ask for any of them because my mom had given me the hug and the treat of a mango without me having to ask for it. I do realize that nobody else in my life is my mother but figuring out how to ask for these things in return is a puzzle I will never solve. I just want people to read my mind, figure out what I want and give it to me.
How do I justify such a silly sentiment? Here's how, "Don't I do it all the time?", "Don't I give all these things to all my loved ones without them asking for it?", "Why cant they offer to do these things for me?". So, in addition to working myself into a coil about how all these people aren't giving to me what I gave them, when some one does come along and offer me what they truly believe I deserve, I start questioning their motives and lead myself to believe that I don't deserve all that love and attention. Do you see how stupid I can be? Or maybe, I am not unusual, maybe there are a lot of others out there who do the same thing with their lives, chasing the unappreciative ones and ignoring those who want to cook you a lopsided dinner because you're tired, who want to give you your due credit for the work you've put in, who believe you deserve to be appreciated and treasured instead of being taken for granted.
I know its wrong to put all human relations into one basket and make a sweeping statement about them but I have come to notice a pattern in every relationship. One takes the sour pieces of mango, one lets the other take the sour pieces of mango. Yes, yes, this isn't an eye opening discovery, millions of people have said the same thing in a million different ways but I needed to say it too. Maybe just so I could acknowledge it, accept it and hopefully, try to stop fighting it. Maybe, I can grow up to learn to take the sweeter pieces or just be content with taking the sour pieces and not expecting anything in return. Here's to hope....
Beautifully written Sahithi. Please add a "following widget" so that people can start following your blog.
ReplyDeleteHey Harika, thank you for the appreciation and I think I have added the widget! Hope it works!!
ReplyDelete