I want to start by saying this is not an attempt at fishing for compliments. No, I do not need to be educated about developing a healthy body image, no, I am not wallowing in self-pity. I just need to be able to say it out loud without making excuses for it, well, by saying it out loud, I mean silently typing away at my computer, I AM FAT. There, I said it, and am fighting the urge to make up for the statement by typing out a list of attributes that I believe make up for it.
This is my effort to try and alienate my sense of self worth from the digits my weighing machine seems to be throwing in my face every once in a while when my masochism hits an up and I jump on the scales. I wish to be able to train my brain to believe that being physically attractive, like most other achievements in life, is a combination of hard work, luck and perception. I need to be able to accept the fact that I may never be able to build the body of my dreams and that it is OK. I need to not go around boring my friends with anecdotes of how ten years ago, I had an amazing body, by which I mean, being twenty kilos lighter. Ironically enough, I did not have an amazing body then because I can clearly remember feeling as inadequately attractive then as I feel today. Yes, it is important in today's world to be able to compete with all the gloriously enhanced images of socially acceptable standards of beauty but it is also important to accept the fact that simply sighing and biting into a bar of chocolate and wishing for the magical wand of a makeover isn't going to get me there.
It is ok to not be able to wear shorts in summer if you haven't run the five miles a day you should have for the preceding four months. It is NOT ok to delude yourself into slogging at your desk after 7 on a Friday evening thinking, "Well, I am not pretty, I have to make up for it somehow". It is not ok for you to be the one to pick up the burnt toast because everyone else is prettier and hence deserve better. I don't find myself thinking this way regarding anything else, I do not feel the need to compensate for the fact that I cant speak seven languages like a friend of mine can, or the fact that my husband can dance circles around me to every kind of music, or that my younger brother is more academically brilliant than I ever was, or that more than half the people I know seem to be richer than I am. I only feel the need to compensate for not being pretty enough, or to put in more accurately, for not being thin enough.
I want to not continue to tell people that I would automatically loose weight if only I tired and that I am fat because I don't care enough. No, that is not true, I do care. I care so much that I have built into my psyche the need to make up for not having a great body by trying extra hard to excel in other aspects of life. While this may sound like a great motivational tool, it is NOT. It is highly demotivating and works in a perilous cycle of self doubt and binge eating. It is only taking away from a seemingly happy life that I have been lucky enough to build. I believe that perception is a strong measure for happiness and success and wish to see myself through the eyes of my loving husband and awesome friends. I wish to find it in me to love myself the way these wonderful people love me. The strange feeling of questioning the love that I receive from my friends and family has been good material for self depreciating jokes and all, but has now become a jarring reality that I wish to dissolve. I was showered with gifts for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, among which was a designer item, the first thought that came to my mind? "Jeez, now I definitely have to loose weight to be able to justify having this on my person". Typing it out now makes me laugh at myself but honestly, it is worrying how much my weight has come to define me. My brain is convinced that I need to work towards getting approval from a piece of leather!
I wish to be to happy with myself, just the way I am and to love myself unconditionally, no stars or hash tags attached. I wish to alter my perception of attractiveness and in turn measuring how much love I deserve from the people in my life and myself. I wish to not be convinced of how I need to over compensate for the lack of a thin body. I wish to be able to look into the mirror and know that all the jiggly wiggly bits belong to me, can be bettered with hard work and persistence and cannot undermine the other beautiful bits that make up ME.
This is my effort to try and alienate my sense of self worth from the digits my weighing machine seems to be throwing in my face every once in a while when my masochism hits an up and I jump on the scales. I wish to be able to train my brain to believe that being physically attractive, like most other achievements in life, is a combination of hard work, luck and perception. I need to be able to accept the fact that I may never be able to build the body of my dreams and that it is OK. I need to not go around boring my friends with anecdotes of how ten years ago, I had an amazing body, by which I mean, being twenty kilos lighter. Ironically enough, I did not have an amazing body then because I can clearly remember feeling as inadequately attractive then as I feel today. Yes, it is important in today's world to be able to compete with all the gloriously enhanced images of socially acceptable standards of beauty but it is also important to accept the fact that simply sighing and biting into a bar of chocolate and wishing for the magical wand of a makeover isn't going to get me there.
It is ok to not be able to wear shorts in summer if you haven't run the five miles a day you should have for the preceding four months. It is NOT ok to delude yourself into slogging at your desk after 7 on a Friday evening thinking, "Well, I am not pretty, I have to make up for it somehow". It is not ok for you to be the one to pick up the burnt toast because everyone else is prettier and hence deserve better. I don't find myself thinking this way regarding anything else, I do not feel the need to compensate for the fact that I cant speak seven languages like a friend of mine can, or the fact that my husband can dance circles around me to every kind of music, or that my younger brother is more academically brilliant than I ever was, or that more than half the people I know seem to be richer than I am. I only feel the need to compensate for not being pretty enough, or to put in more accurately, for not being thin enough.
I want to not continue to tell people that I would automatically loose weight if only I tired and that I am fat because I don't care enough. No, that is not true, I do care. I care so much that I have built into my psyche the need to make up for not having a great body by trying extra hard to excel in other aspects of life. While this may sound like a great motivational tool, it is NOT. It is highly demotivating and works in a perilous cycle of self doubt and binge eating. It is only taking away from a seemingly happy life that I have been lucky enough to build. I believe that perception is a strong measure for happiness and success and wish to see myself through the eyes of my loving husband and awesome friends. I wish to find it in me to love myself the way these wonderful people love me. The strange feeling of questioning the love that I receive from my friends and family has been good material for self depreciating jokes and all, but has now become a jarring reality that I wish to dissolve. I was showered with gifts for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, among which was a designer item, the first thought that came to my mind? "Jeez, now I definitely have to loose weight to be able to justify having this on my person". Typing it out now makes me laugh at myself but honestly, it is worrying how much my weight has come to define me. My brain is convinced that I need to work towards getting approval from a piece of leather!
I wish to be to happy with myself, just the way I am and to love myself unconditionally, no stars or hash tags attached. I wish to alter my perception of attractiveness and in turn measuring how much love I deserve from the people in my life and myself. I wish to not be convinced of how I need to over compensate for the lack of a thin body. I wish to be able to look into the mirror and know that all the jiggly wiggly bits belong to me, can be bettered with hard work and persistence and cannot undermine the other beautiful bits that make up ME.
